Thursday, May 16, 2013

Frustrating Limits

Fibro stinks. One of the reasons it stinks is because of the limitations it puts on my life. I'm handling it as well as can be expected, some people are completely disabled by fibromyalgia after all, but I am frustrated that I can't do everything I want to do. I love the various groups I've been involved with, Girl Scouts, 4H, political campaigns, a local non-profit for kids, and a greyhound rescue group to name a few, but I can't do as much for each of them as I'd like. I constantly find myself saying "NO" when I would so dearly love to say "YES", just because I don't have the energy reserves to take on the work. This week was one of those weeks. Monday and Tuesday were both busy, busy days, up early and running around with the kids for various activities, and by the end of the day on Tuesday it was catching up with me. I struggled through a trip to the grocery store, then about passed out after I got home. On Wednesday I was bed ridden. I had a full "to do" list but just getting up out of bed made me tired, so I mostly didn't. I feel terrible that I'm leaning on my husband so much- he picks up the slack when I have those "fibro days", but I just can't. It feels like when you have the flu and you're over the worst of it, but you still feel lousy and weak, so you know there's a few more days of recovery and bed rest left to go. That's the exact feeling I have when I get a bad flare up. I stand up and immediately feel like I need to lay down again. Sometimes I can push through it, but that's hard to do. Sometimes I need to just give in, cancel everything, and rest. Thanks to DH, when I have those days I usually can get the rest I need; I can't imagine having to work for a paycheck while dealing with this.

So when you ask me to help out with something, and I say no with some lame excuse, it's because I'm feeling a flare coming on, or I know I'm over-scheduled, or I've taken on too much already, and I just can't. I rarely say it's because of the fibro, I'm not sure why, but that's usually what it is. Maybe it's because I hate acknowledging it myself- if I admit that's why I can't do something, then I'm admitting I have a disability. Blech. I want to feel healthy and alive and in control of my life, not limited and weak, but it is what it is. I can't say I'd be a Type A personality if I didn't have fibro, but I would be a much more active go-getter if I could manage it. Sigh.

Oh, well; we all have to handle the cards we're dealt, so here's to life and making the best of it. :)


Julie S said...

Kim, I won't pretend to know what's it like to live with Fibromyalgia. I'm sorry that's the battle you've had to fight. I do understand the need to say yes to helping out even when you feel overwhelmed and overscheduled. (I'm guilty of this!) I just wanted to point out that it's great that you're helping out inspite of a disability. Girl Scouts, 4-H, political campaigns, kids' non-profit and (my favorite!) a dog rescue...I'm sure all those organizations are so grateful. Remember, it's more volunteering than many people ever do.

Kim said...

Thanks Julie!! Support always helps. :)